Inexplicably Knowing Yourself

I pulled out my yoga mat from the spare bedroom and I laid it out on the living room floor. What was I about to do? Don’t ask. That’s usually how it goes for me. I have an idea, I have a lot of ideas, a lot of the time. Maybe it would be some stretching, maybe a small workout guided by YouTube or my memory, not sure. Only thing I was sure of was that I needed to move my body. So the yoga mat came out, the dog got annoyingly yet lovingly close, and I sat there. Criss cross applesauce. What was I doing? 

What was I doing? The question that plagued me. Plagued me, every damn day to be exact. I knew for certain that I was currently not focusing on a career path ahead of me (thank you burnout in my early twenties) or climbing a corporate ladder, that’s for sure. I knew I was not working towards the societal dream for young women of getting married, settling down and having children. I started to really think of this. What I was, in fact, doing in my life right now. It came to me, quite easily to be honest. So easily, it was one of those times where I simply wondered why I haven’t quieted my mind enough or slowed down to the point that the thought was consciously in the forefront of my still developing brain, right up until that moment. That frontal lobe development hits hard, 25 year old me has nothing on soon to be 27 year old me. 

I’m trying to figure myself out. Aren’t we all? But no, really. I’m trying to get to know myself. I’m trying to cultivate a space and a life for myself in my little patch of the world, that supports me in being me. That supports myself in getting to know who I am in such an undeniable way that I’m actually unable to show up as anything other than myself. My real self. I knew that was my goal. I want to live a life authentic to myself, so in tune with the I am inside, that I am honestly just unable to partake in anything that does not resonate with that frequency. Because that’s what we all are, right? Energy, frequencies. Because you see, it’s not about being ridgid. It’s not about putting myself in a box with lines and rules to follow, but about following a path that could only be created by my inner knowing.

I think without that, I’ll wake up one day wondering why I ignored her. Why I silenced her thoughts, her desires, and wound up where I am because I was too nervous, too fearful to take both feet off the ground and trust. Younger me deserves that, and so does older me. 

I hope that every aspect of my life is drenched in my essence. In who I am. What I do to bring in income, what I do to nurture the relationship with myself and others, and what I do to take care of the Earth, should all be rooted in my authentic expression. And how can I do that without knowing what my authentic expression is?

I know that’s not something you find in one day, in one month, or in a year. It’s something that does not have a threshold, it is not measurable and something you are on a continuous journey on in this life and the next. But consciously choosing to follow that path, is a courageous step and decision that one has to be bold enough to make. So that’s what I’m doing. I’m getting to know this version of myself that strives for more, that desires better. That desires differently, that desires wider, and steps into the inner boldness that allows me to follow her forward. 

And I hope you choose to do the same.